Being Bearded

2010 February 26
by admin

I had a conversation with someone a few days ago about how appearances shape others’ perception of oneself. So, I have decided to compile:

My beard.

My beard.

Various advantages of having a beard:

1. My neck is much warmer.  The thick mat of hair forms a “gasket” that keeps warm air from escaping from the neck of my shirts.
2. Homeless people have stopped asking me for change, and now offer it.
3. Store clerks watch me very closely.
4. At night, walking home, women will cross the street to avoid encountering me.
5. This one time, in New York City, an Ultra-Orthodox Jew looked at me with an expression that seemed to convey a feeling of recognition and dismay.  Like – “Dude, why are you are you even pretending you aren’t one of us?  That beard is a dead giveaway.”
6. People no longer ask me to buy weed.  Now they ask to buy weed from me.
7. I am “randomly” selected for screening every time I fly.
8. Hipsters say “Sweet beard, dude.”
9. Outdoorsy people say, “Wow. That’s a big beard dude.”
10. Girls say…nothing……..nothing at all…….and make pathetic attempts to not appear like they want to stare.
11.  I am no longer tempted to eat hummus, ice-cream, peanut butter, chili, or any other potential beard-clogging foodstuff.
12.  I am occasionally granted discounts in coffee shops, record stores, and outdoor stores.  I can only assume this is a “sweet beard, dude” discount.
13. On occasion, a complete stranger will ask to “pet” my beard.
14. The latter is more properly characterized as “creepy” and not “advantageous.”

15.  I left a movie to go to the bathroom.  Upon returning, I realized that I had forgotten my ticket stub.  The attendant looked at me and said, “Don’t worry about the ticket.  I saw you come in.”

One Response leave one →
  1. 2010 February 26
    Maureen permalink

    Sweet beard, dude.

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